Let's Give Him a Hand Folks!

I've been loosely dating this man for a month or so. I went over to his house the other night to hang. We start making out and he immediately starts twitching. This has been a reoccurring habit from the get go. Like as soon as I kiss him he starts thrusting his pelvis toward me. On a regular basis I think to myself, "please jack off before I come over." Anywho, so we are kissing and he is thrusting and I stop and am like hey I can't have sex...ya know. He's catches on quickly and continues to kiss me..and pump. I'm laying on top of him on his couch and he's wearing these elastic sweat pants and just like pulls IT out. AND he wasn't wearing any underwear. So there I am laying on top of this guy kissing him and IT is just out in all it's glory. I'm thinking..what does he want me to do with this thing. I am SO not giving him a blow job..I'm too crampy and tired. He does the slick move of moving my hand down to touch it. The entire dialog in my head at this point is something like this.."oh great, I'm on my period and NOW I have to give him a hand job ...I am so terrible at these things...should I just give him a blowjob...why is there so much stuff coming out already..dear lord...what is my life."

I finally give in and start the Handy J. I feel like I am doing a fantastic job and everything is moving along swimmingly. Then my hand starts to get tired and I think to myself, should I switch hands? Then he like reaches down and puts his hand on my hand and basically starts jacking himself off with my hand. This is by far the lowest form of sex I have ever encountered. Cute.

Dear Sir, please jack of next time before I come over and put on some panties. Thank you good day.

We Got a Stage 5 Clinger!

I hate nothing more than needy ass bitches. And when I say bitches I mean men. Fucking fry guy. ugh. So Monday morning about 10:47 a.m. I'm minding my own business and I get a text. "U left your jacket." Fantastic. I reply "sweet I thought I lost it, I'll have to retrieve that from you." He then says "just let me know." Breezy text nothing further needs to be said. Fast forward to 5:00 p.m.

FG - What are you doing

Me - Working what are you doing?

FG - Drinking

(Really its 5 in the PM, I don't respond)(5 minutes later)

FG - Huh?

(Umm I didn't say anything)(I don't respond)(2 minutes later)

An actual phone call. I do NOT answer. What the fuck dude. Some of us big kids are still at work. Thirty minutes later ...

FG - You should come get your jacket.

(What the fuck dude, that's like 4 texts in 20 minutes AND a phone call)

Me - I can't tonight, but this week for sure.

FG - Ok

(Jesus Christ!) (Fast forward to 8pm)

FG - Can I come over?

(Ok we have a stage 5 clinger on our hands)

I totally freak out.

Me - I can not hang out tonight.

FG - Ok

(Five minutes later)

FG - K

(Thanks I got it!)

Needless to say the entire night I have visions of fry guy breaking in my apartment and stabbing my with a burger flipper. The next mornig he text me at 8:37 a.m.

FG - Sorry if I was being annoying last night, my roommate got me hammered."

Awwwww, I remember my first beer.

Fry Guy

Just when I think things are dying down the man front a guy (fry) pops in and stirs it up. I'll take it from the top. Last Thursday I'm hanging at home minding my own business and a friends invites me down to her bar. I think, sure I'll go for "A" beer. Ha I love how I lie to myself. I go down the ol' spot post up and have a beer. Within moments this creeper ass dude name "Turtle" is like trying to sit on my lap and has introduced himself to me about 3 times. I look over and see this fine young gent sitting at the bar. I immediatley inquire as to who this is. My friend doesnt know but says he's in there all the time. I like his style. So her and I hatch up a plan to move me down to where he is sitting. I sit by him start shooting the shit. First red flag of the evening. He has a black eye. I inquire. He does Jujitsu. Perfectly normal excuse. Next order of business, job situation. He works at a local bar as a cook. Umm kay. Next, age please. He is 24. They keep gettin' younger and I stay the same age. Ugh. Anywho we start drinking heavily and end up closing the bar down. I want to go home but keep playing a phrase in my head that my therapist had told me earlier that day.."just have fun." Sadly she doesnt know how literally I will take this. So I invite my friend and him back to my house. Now, I have to work in the morning at about 8 but at this point in the night, 2 a.m., I really have no concept of what this means. Im thinking that I want to party all night, fuck work, damn the man etc. We get to my house, I'm cracking beers, cracking jokes..its great. Fry guy and I hook up and he stays over, but no bonage. Now I know this may seem totally slutty and out of control, but "I'm having fun." right.

Next morning my alarm goes off at 7 a.m. and I want to die. I realize there is another body sleeping next to me. FUCK. So I pretend to still be asleep. When is he going to leave! I peak over at him and he's just staring at me. AHHH. Red flag number two. Finally he gets a clue and starts to leave. He tells me to take his number down. Im like yeah, sure thing. Then he goes, "Well I have to get to work too, I'm sure its not as intense as your job though," in like the sadest voice ever. Aww fry guy. He's cute and young and knows his place. I think I'll keep him around for a bit.

Cruel Intentions

Sad but true Dogtown and I are no longer dating..actually we never were dating. We would just hang out at my house and watch movies. We should have had our very own show, Siskel and DOGbert. We could have made millions. The demise started right before Christmas. We both went to this secret santa party. Things prior had been great, movies (shocking), sexing, boozing...all my favorite things. Then the party. I roll up and we barely speak. We all decided to go to the local bar. When we arrive we don't really talk. I end up running into some old friends and start hanging with them while Dogtown is either pouting or drunk in the corner. I proceed to get shitty and do tequilla shots, per usual. I'm partying my ass off and Dogtown comes up to me and is like are you going to be here cause I'm going to walk so and so home. I'm like yeah totally. He bounces, never to be seen again. My other friends are cruisin' to another bar and I'm like am I really going to hang at this shit hole and wait for this child-man to come back. Hell no. I send a text like yo, where are you. No response. Fuck it. I cruise to the other bar drink MUCH more and end the night just as to be expected.

For the next few days he randomly texts me nonsense which is too boring to recall. Fast forward a week. Mutual friend is in town. I receive a text, "yo what are you guys up to this weekend." I reply with "we're going to a show, you should come." He replies with "oh I'm busy." Err then why did you text me. Basically from that point on things went downhill fast. We spoke on the phone a few times. I asked him what he got for Christmas. Simple question. He and went on about all these gourmet kitchen supplies that his family got him. Sorry I'm not cool, I don't know what a Bombilla Tea Straw is.

Here's the thing. You can tell Dogtown comes from money, but decided to come down to the city to "slum it" so to speak. When he's an investment broker in his forties with his socialite wife, who is banging all his friends and snorting an 8-ball a day, he'll tell stories of when he lived in the ghetto and all the nasty things he saw and all the crazy girls he dated. They'll all have a chuckle as they drink their mojitos on a yatch in the harbor. Sorry bud, but I live in the hood because I'm broke. And guess what, I enjoy the tranny prostitutes that hang out at the park by my house. And I don' t drink tea, I drink coffee. I don't have a "gourd" as an accessory in my home. I dont listen to 60's soul music because all the other rich white kids think its cool. I don't wear moccasins for shoes and I don't make crepes for breakfast. Ghetto is something that is innate, it can not be copied. Many try but fail miserably. So long dogtown, if there's ever a Cruel Intentions, Part 2, you'll be the first on the list.

Girls on Film

I think I'm making some headway in this dating game. I've realized that there are only two kinds of single men. The first would be young boys that are emotionally unattached and haven't had their hearts broken yet and the second would be dudes that are in their 30's and are still single because they are total nightmares and no one wants them. Let me take it from the top.

I go have a drink with party boy last week or so and we decide to meet at a bar close to my house. I like this bar because there are many exits which make for multiple getaway options. I decide I'm going to be "worldly" and walk to the bar which is about 5 blocks from my house. In normal society this isn't far at all, but I live in a city of fatties that drive everywhere, including myself. After about 20 minutes of walking, I finally arrive. I am sweating from walking and my bangs are stuck to my head. I walk in the bar and start scanning for dude. I don't really remember what he looks like so this is difficult. I thought for some reason that he may have a very large nose. I have no idea why I would come to this assumption, but alas he did not. I hear him scream my name and I roll over the booth. Dater mistake #1, I say "oh I'm going to grab a drink." He looks at me and smiles. No offer for booze. Big mistake. I sit back down at the table and start to shoot the shit. I ask him what he does, tattoo artist, I'm so impressed. Then he starts to tell me THE longest story about how he worked as a telemarketer prior and got into it with this woman on the phone and called her a cunt. Dater mistake #2, saying the word Cunt within 15 minutes of the date. He then started to list every job he has ever had including my personal favorite, shooting porn. REALLY!?!?! This is how it rolled down:

Date - So I used to work for Hustler.
Me - Really.
Date - Yeah, you know the porn place.

Me- Yeah I'm familiar..what did you do there?

Date - I filmed porn.

Me- Like with a camera or with your penis.

Date - No with a camera.

He then proceeded to tell me many a story of men "shooting up Viagra in their dicks so much that they couldn't cum." Is this really appropriate conversation for a first date/hangout. Dater mistake #3, talk of needles.

There was a moment where we connected over the hit tv series To Catch A Predator. We both agreed that we were surprised that some of our friends weren't on this show. He, of course, took it a step further by saying that his friends like to "fuck underage girls." Wowie wow wow. I gave the pity chuckle as I checked my watch. He started rambling on about how ridiculous it was that dudes wanted to bone underage chick and that when he was 16 he didn't know how to get with chicks. He then started dry humping and mimicking himself at age 16.

One can only take so much. The dated ended shortly thereafter by me. Wow would you look at the time!! It's late. I then gave the ass out hug so our bodies wouldn't have to touch and ran off down the street. Never meet someone at a party and decided to talk to them simply because they are wearing a Metallica t-shirt. Metal up your ass!

Dating 101 Rule #754

We live in a sick and twisted world. Let me take it from the top. So I've been hanging with this dude, let's call him Dogtown, for obvious reasons. Anywho, so I've been chillaxin with dude and am starting to have a small crush on him. Maybe it because he's brings over booze, I don't know, I'm not questioning it. So last Friday I get the MOST random text from this other dude I met at a party when I was newly single and extremely desperate, which I am SO not now. *cough. Ok so let's call party boy...hmm..party boy? Alright, so message received from Party Boy reads: Hey it's Party Boy, we met at the party 2 months ago. Anyway I just got my phone turned back on haha, let's get drinks soon." Your phone got shut off, that's the best you can come up with. Like how much is a cell phone bill $100 at the most. How are you going to take me out for drinks when you can't afford your bill. I have a $40 a night habit son... I digress. At first read I'm like there is no way I am responding. #1 I don't remember what this dude looks like, all I know is he was wearing a Metallica t-shirt (a tell as to the shut off phone perhaps) #2 It's been 2 months #3 He may or may not have stable income. #4 I kind of like Dogtown and there is really no need to spread myself thin...at this point. I throw the idea around and bounce it off a few friends who ALL agree that I should atleast get a drink with him. I say that I really don't want to go for reasons 1-4 stated above, yet the consensus is to go on the damn date. So I begrudgingly send a text "hey drinks sound good, let me know." So lame right. No response, no big deal. Then Saturday night rolls around and I get a call AND a text asking me to go out. Party Boy is persitant. Maybe his personality will make up for his lack of scratch. I finally send him a text at like midnight. "drinks next week, I'm out of town tonight." Response "Sounds good!" UGH. So the moral of the story is this; Rule #754 If you like a dude you're hangin with, you should definitley go out with another dude that may or may not have a job or steady income to see if you REALLY like who you already think you like.

Fucked I know. I don't make the rules I just inforce them.

Death by Starbucks

Coffee date #3. Skipped writing about #2..nothing of importance came from it. Last night I get a wild hair up my ass to meet up with Flame. I don't know why I always think this will be a good idea, and in theory would be. Meet up with an old love, shoot the shit, drink the coffee, get the shakes, go home. You would think, not in this case. In this particular case, we sit around and beat the conversation horse till it's black and blue. Plan is to meet up at 7:30. As i'm driving there i'm beating my steering wheel screaming "why am I doing this." I pull up and of course flame is already there. I roll in make a joke about being late, per usual. Mosey up to the barista order a coffee. Roll outside and start talking about nonsense. Like flame is really sweet and whatnot, but for fucks sake he tells a long story. I found myself watching the fat skateboarder across the street try to grind the bus bench hoping he would fall so I would have some excitement. After what seemed like 4 hours of conversation I hear a beep in my purse. I look at my phone and it's this kid that I hooked up with the other night. "hey what are you doing?", I look at flame who is going on and on about his cat and look back down at my phone, I respond with "nothing, how bout you?" I know I am Lucifer. So now flame and I are talking and I'm sitting thinking about this kid and wondering if I can manage to get out of coffee date and still be home in time to hang out. Another beep. Grab the phone, "well I got a 12 pack and these earrings I don't know what to do with." #1 thank god I left my earrings at his house, #2 12 pack = love. I realize it's only 9:15 and Flame and I are now talking about where we grocery shop at, I respond with "Ya! Come over." SENT. Shit now I only have about 15 minutes to get out of there. I start fidgeting around and say something about having to go grocery shopping on the way home. Flame seems startled but after 2 hours of conversation suicide, I could care less. We get up to leave, Flame walks me out to my car. I try to give a quick hug goodbye, but I can tell he's going in for the kill. I quickly turn my head and mumble something about hanging out next week. GOD. I'm in my car speeding home like a bat outta hell. Hottie hasn't text me back yet, so I'm thinking he went to bed or something. I roll around the corner and there he is sitting on the steps of my apt..booze in tow. Adorable.