Captain Boner

Go over to this dudes house that I was loosely dating. We are not loosely doing anything anymore, the only thing loose that is happening is the elastic band in his "sweat shorts." Gross. I'm getting ahead of myself. So we talk and he asks me over at about ohh, 9:30 p.m. I don't know how I have convinced myself that this is not, in some way, a form of a booty call. I'm sort of excited to go over, I haven't seen him in a minute. I'm getting ready and decide to go for the "I just wake up and look this," which takes me about 1.3 hours to perfect. You know the look, light makeup, summer dress, flip flops, tussled hair, sensible jewelry. Once the look has been perfected, I walk over to his house. Now, you would think that a gentleman trying to impress a lovely lady like myself would put a little effort into his look. Like 15 minutes perhaps. Negative. He opens the door looking a fright. Kramer hair, dingy white t-shirt and GRAY sweat shorts. And not even like basketball shorts, which are bad, but gray Walmart shorts that overweight men and women wear to the swap meet on Sundays. I'm surprised he wasn't wearing a fanny pack. I look past the atrocious steez and roll in. I am there about 10 minutes before he start raping my face with him mouth. I call it mouth rape because of the feeling that I got. Like hard kissing with a pointy tongue. In between the mouth rape, there was a lot of hard pressing of the hands on my face. Not to mention intermediate face licking. Now, this is NOT my first BBQ, but I haven't really experienced this sort of makeout. Like forceful tongue, lip scrapping situations. All bad. At this point he pulls me on top of him on the couch, so I am sitting on his lap but facing him. This is the first malfunction of the sweat shorts; I am wearing a sundress, please see the first portion of this entry, and he is wearing wal-shorts. Basically the only thing between my vagina and his penis are two pieces of fabric, my chones and his jersey wal-short material. So I'm on top and he's like grabbing my leg like trying to get me to grind him. Now, I'm sure my previous post will show that I am usually down for some of this action. For some reason I just couldn't go through with it. He proceeds to lure me to his bedroom and starts to untie my dress strap followed by "opps" and a smile. I am confident he learned this manuvuer on 90210, you know the episode where Luke is trying to bone Kelly. At this point I'm like super over this shit. I decided to make the executive decision and leave his love nest. I tell him that i'm not into it and I have to leave. I was feeling like I made a bad decision until he stood up to walk me to the door and I noticed it. A large wet spot on his high end gray sweat shorts. Apparently he didn't need me for anything. He already impregnanted his shorts.

Let's Give Him a Hand Folks!

I've been loosely dating this man for a month or so. I went over to his house the other night to hang. We start making out and he immediately starts twitching. This has been a reoccurring habit from the get go. Like as soon as I kiss him he starts thrusting his pelvis toward me. On a regular basis I think to myself, "please jack off before I come over." Anywho, so we are kissing and he is thrusting and I stop and am like hey I can't have sex...ya know. He's catches on quickly and continues to kiss me..and pump. I'm laying on top of him on his couch and he's wearing these elastic sweat pants and just like pulls IT out. AND he wasn't wearing any underwear. So there I am laying on top of this guy kissing him and IT is just out in all it's glory. I'm thinking..what does he want me to do with this thing. I am SO not giving him a blow job..I'm too crampy and tired. He does the slick move of moving my hand down to touch it. The entire dialog in my head at this point is something like this.."oh great, I'm on my period and NOW I have to give him a hand job ...I am so terrible at these things...should I just give him a blowjob...why is there so much stuff coming out already..dear lord...what is my life."

I finally give in and start the Handy J. I feel like I am doing a fantastic job and everything is moving along swimmingly. Then my hand starts to get tired and I think to myself, should I switch hands? Then he like reaches down and puts his hand on my hand and basically starts jacking himself off with my hand. This is by far the lowest form of sex I have ever encountered. Cute.

Dear Sir, please jack of next time before I come over and put on some panties. Thank you good day.

Boozin' & Losin'

Dont you love living in a small communty. I know I do. Last Sunday night I meet up with a friend who was in town for her birthday. We had pretty much ruined the city by Sunday night and were finishing up drinks at a local bar. I like how I just tried to make that sound sophisticated. The reality was I had been barfing all day from drinking for 48 straight hours, my friend puked in the bathroom at the bar and was taking jager shots when I showed up. We then proceeded to get shit faced. Ok that sounds better. Anyway, so back to getting shitfaced. Her and I were enjoying a shot when this boy that I had hooked up with about 2 years ago showed up. Perfect timing right. So he shows up we start talking and one thing leads to another and he invites me to a "kickback", if you will, on a Sunday night. I have no idea who these people are or where we are going or who is driving, but fuck it. I've had 17 beers and 2 shots, let's do this! We pull up to the house and I'm trashed, he's trahsed, the people that drove us are trashed. We proceed to walk in. I'm carrying an 18 pack, one can already open in hand laughing really loud and acting all flirty with cute boy. Walk in the house..look over to the couch and who should be sitting there? Republicrat. AHHH. I smile and then bee line it for the kitchen. The thing is this. I could care less about this fucking guy. He is a complete and total tool. BUT I do think it is interesting that he never saw me drunk and then I run into him and he sees who I really am....wasted for about 3 days straight, barfed earlier in the day, flirting with some radom ass dude...on a Sunday. So cute boy and I go into the backyard, start like full on making out and Republicrat walks back there. I dont think we were actually kissing when he walked back, but the vibe was out. Republicrat is all "hey whats goin on!" in a totally sarcastic tone. I reply with nothing, then he says "how are things?"..I simply hold up my 18th Bud light of the day and say "things are great!" I dont think he found this amusing, but I sure as hell did. Sorry I can drink and have fun and you can't. You=Boring. The night ended with me and cute boy laying on the deck of some random peoples back yard making out. Classy Ass.

Impeach My Bush

I should have really started this blog from the beginning, but had no idea what nonsense would ensue. About 2 weeks ago I met a boy, let's call him Republicrat. Reasons to follow. I met him at a show, we hit it off, he found me on myspace, we text a little and there we were on our way to our first date. First date rolls around, literally, he took me roller skating. Did I mention he's in AA. No big deal, except for the fact that I am what you would call oh I don't know, "border line alcoholic" a "hard drinker" if you will. I did not let this deter me. No not for a minute. We went on the skate date, it was nice. Kissed a little. Sort of weird, being sober and all. I know I need to hit a meeting. Anywho, we end up back at his house, not sure how this happened *cough. We make out, and he ASKS if he can take my shirt off. I'm like why are you asking, but now that you are, no I will not take my shirt off. I end up leaving that night with my dignity. This would be the last. He texts me when I get home, "your wonderful." Awesome.

Next hangout rolls around, actually we stayed stationary. He brings over a movie. Normally I would be about 2 tall cans deep at this point, you know to take the edge off, but am unsure what Republicrat will think. I decide to ride the sober train. He comes over, we have meaningless chatter then we get into the good stuff. Politics. He tells me that he isn't sure who he is going to vote for, and furthermore thinks everyone is going to vote for Obama cause it's the cool thing to do. WHAT. I should have ran for the hills then. Even if you are not a democrat, its almost election time, you should know who the fuck you are voting for right. I pushed the vomit out of my mouth and ended up spending the night with him. Awesome again. The sex was really good, but let's consider that I haven't been laid in over 3 months and the last time I don't really remember that well considering I was hammered and it was in the alley behind my ex-boyfriends barber shop. Send in the sober dude!

Fast forward to Sunday. We talk on the phone, and mind you I KNOW I absolutely do not like this guy, he bothers me, he may or may not be a Republican, he has a hairy back. Below the belt, below the belt. For some reason I still hang out with him, perhaps it's my total and absolute desperation. Even so, Sunday. We're on the phone and we start talking politics, always a breezy topic. Obama blah blah, whore face Palin blah blah..then death. He says he's voting for Mc Cain..are you kidding me. Then he goes on to say that George Bush isn't that bad of a president and he will probably be exonerated after he is out of office. WHAT, I shoot back that I think he will be brought up on criminal charges for genocide. Totally breezy of course. He goes on to say that if Prop H8te goes through, he could see, in the future, fathers wanting to marry their daughters. Beep Beep, pump your breaks and let me off this crazy train. I then pretended like I was choking and said I needed to get off the phone to dial 911. I have no doubt I will hang out with him again, even though he is Adolf Hitler and I am insanely lonely. Maybe I should just troll the mental hospitals for potential dates, at least with them I could get drunk and snag some of their meds.