Fag Hag

Don't get me wrong, I love a gay man. Probably too much. One of my very close gay friends told me that if I have more than three gay friends I am a fag hag. I'm tippin' the scales at about 6 solid gay males friends. Maybe need to reassess. But now is not the time. Enter the gay fireman.

I spot this strapping lad about a year ago when I was in the midst of getting sober as previously stated. Mind you, at this time I had gained some weight. Let's be real. I was fat and weird. It was a weird time. Think first day of 7th grade wearing hand me downs. Anyway, I spotted this man and thought he was hot and wanted to know more, therefore I added him on Facebook. How organic. He kindly accepted but no real contact. I'm confident it was due to the spare tire and floppy ass I had recently acquired. Fast forward to now. I have since shed these lb.'s and am looking better than ever. Eat your heart out. I'm saying this to who I don't know.

Anywho, dude hits me up on the FBeezy last week and asks me some lame question, like where I grocery shop. Uhh ok. I respond with some bullshit. I know this seems very boring almost suicide inspiring, but in comparison to my recent nights watching Lifetime movies with my cat, it's epic.

We converse randomly on FB, which leads to an exchange of phone numbers, followed by some light texting. Now I am a very impatient individual. And I feel that I have been out of the game for so long, I don't have the time nor the energy to think of funny things to say to get this guy's interest. I feel like I am at the point where I should just text nudes followed by "you interested or what?" So I break the text banter with, we should get coffee. It's 2011 for fucks sake. He of course responds within 2 minutes "yes for sure when are you free." Splendid. We make a tentative date for Sunday min afternoon. His words.

My fucking phone rings Sunday morning at 10:24 a.m. WOW. Are you kidding me? A first phone call before noon, on a Sunday nonetheless. Bold. I absolutely do not answer and call him back later. We decided to meet around 2pm. First date/hangouts really kill me. I always start screaming at myself on the drive and smoke like 213423452 cigarettes in a span of 3 minutes. The whole thing is so unnatural and awkward.

I walk into the coffee and shop and he has positioned himself on a velvet couch holding a newspaper in the most unnatural fashion. As if he was modeling for the latest Valtrex commercial. We get coffee, I shoot the shit with the pregnant barista and mention that I never want to have children. Diarrheal of the mouth. He looks horrified. Then then the real horror begins. The getting to know you phase, or as I like to call it, Sudden Death. What do you do for work, do you like it, what are you hobbies, how were your holidays, thoughts on politics, boxers or briefs, favorite color, any siblings, was your mother a drunk, are you a drunk, would you be supportive of me being a drunk, let'get down to brass tax, if you and I were married would you financially take care of me and let me bang the pool boy while I sipped xanax'coloadas in my pajamas?

During this questioning period he mentioned gay culture about 12 times. Oh and I forgot to mention this little tid bit. It may have been rumored that he likes to take it up the ass from men. Just a rumor I am apparently willing to overlook. I'm mentally over this date within 5 minutes but have to humor him so I hide my rude true self. He then mentions a gay bar in my neighborhood and gets really excited when I mention the drag queen fight I saw there the weekend prior. Ok, I've seen enough. Time for me to exit. I state "I'm cold..." cut off by "do you want to go for a walk?" Sure, why the fuck not.

As we walk in public down the street I pray to baby Jesus that no ones I know sees me. Although they would just think I was hanging with my best gal friend. He does have an interesting walk, a switch if you will.

We walk down to the beach, then he wants to walk along the beach, then he wants to walk down the pier where he banters me with talk about the firehouse and how it's like a frat house there. Right, I'm sure it's a dream come true for you. All men running around with their hoses in their hands.

I have had enough and I finally get him to walk back to dry land. Then the clincher.....as we were walking back to our cars he says these final words.

"I used to live down here when I was in the fire academy, you know what is a real ego boost, running around topless in the gay neighborhoods wearing my fire hat."

There is really nothing else to say.

Captain Boner

Go over to this dudes house that I was loosely dating. We are not loosely doing anything anymore, the only thing loose that is happening is the elastic band in his "sweat shorts." Gross. I'm getting ahead of myself. So we talk and he asks me over at about ohh, 9:30 p.m. I don't know how I have convinced myself that this is not, in some way, a form of a booty call. I'm sort of excited to go over, I haven't seen him in a minute. I'm getting ready and decide to go for the "I just wake up and look this," which takes me about 1.3 hours to perfect. You know the look, light makeup, summer dress, flip flops, tussled hair, sensible jewelry. Once the look has been perfected, I walk over to his house. Now, you would think that a gentleman trying to impress a lovely lady like myself would put a little effort into his look. Like 15 minutes perhaps. Negative. He opens the door looking a fright. Kramer hair, dingy white t-shirt and GRAY sweat shorts. And not even like basketball shorts, which are bad, but gray Walmart shorts that overweight men and women wear to the swap meet on Sundays. I'm surprised he wasn't wearing a fanny pack. I look past the atrocious steez and roll in. I am there about 10 minutes before he start raping my face with him mouth. I call it mouth rape because of the feeling that I got. Like hard kissing with a pointy tongue. In between the mouth rape, there was a lot of hard pressing of the hands on my face. Not to mention intermediate face licking. Now, this is NOT my first BBQ, but I haven't really experienced this sort of makeout. Like forceful tongue, lip scrapping situations. All bad. At this point he pulls me on top of him on the couch, so I am sitting on his lap but facing him. This is the first malfunction of the sweat shorts; I am wearing a sundress, please see the first portion of this entry, and he is wearing wal-shorts. Basically the only thing between my vagina and his penis are two pieces of fabric, my chones and his jersey wal-short material. So I'm on top and he's like grabbing my leg like trying to get me to grind him. Now, I'm sure my previous post will show that I am usually down for some of this action. For some reason I just couldn't go through with it. He proceeds to lure me to his bedroom and starts to untie my dress strap followed by "opps" and a smile. I am confident he learned this manuvuer on 90210, you know the episode where Luke is trying to bone Kelly. At this point I'm like super over this shit. I decided to make the executive decision and leave his love nest. I tell him that i'm not into it and I have to leave. I was feeling like I made a bad decision until he stood up to walk me to the door and I noticed it. A large wet spot on his high end gray sweat shorts. Apparently he didn't need me for anything. He already impregnanted his shorts.

Saturday Night

RANDOM TEXTS:

Coffee Date at 12:32 a.m. "why?"

Fry Guy at 12:55 a.m. " u shall come save me!"

No response.

RANDOM ENCOUNTERS:

A man came up to me and said he knew he had seen me before, considering he looked like the pickup artist, I told him that I doubted it. He then introduced himself as John followed by, "but my friends call me Blaze Malaze." I immediately inquired about the BMX riding gloves he was wearing. He went on about how he had won a few dozen biking competitions in the 80's and then asked me if I wanted to go do coke at his house. I declined.

Fry Guy

Just when I think things are dying down the man front a guy (fry) pops in and stirs it up. I'll take it from the top. Last Thursday I'm hanging at home minding my own business and a friends invites me down to her bar. I think, sure I'll go for "A" beer. Ha I love how I lie to myself. I go down the ol' spot post up and have a beer. Within moments this creeper ass dude name "Turtle" is like trying to sit on my lap and has introduced himself to me about 3 times. I look over and see this fine young gent sitting at the bar. I immediatley inquire as to who this is. My friend doesnt know but says he's in there all the time. I like his style. So her and I hatch up a plan to move me down to where he is sitting. I sit by him start shooting the shit. First red flag of the evening. He has a black eye. I inquire. He does Jujitsu. Perfectly normal excuse. Next order of business, job situation. He works at a local bar as a cook. Umm kay. Next, age please. He is 24. They keep gettin' younger and I stay the same age. Ugh. Anywho we start drinking heavily and end up closing the bar down. I want to go home but keep playing a phrase in my head that my therapist had told me earlier that day.."just have fun." Sadly she doesnt know how literally I will take this. So I invite my friend and him back to my house. Now, I have to work in the morning at about 8 but at this point in the night, 2 a.m., I really have no concept of what this means. Im thinking that I want to party all night, fuck work, damn the man etc. We get to my house, I'm cracking beers, cracking jokes..its great. Fry guy and I hook up and he stays over, but no bonage. Now I know this may seem totally slutty and out of control, but "I'm having fun." right.

Next morning my alarm goes off at 7 a.m. and I want to die. I realize there is another body sleeping next to me. FUCK. So I pretend to still be asleep. When is he going to leave! I peak over at him and he's just staring at me. AHHH. Red flag number two. Finally he gets a clue and starts to leave. He tells me to take his number down. Im like yeah, sure thing. Then he goes, "Well I have to get to work too, I'm sure its not as intense as your job though," in like the sadest voice ever. Aww fry guy. He's cute and young and knows his place. I think I'll keep him around for a bit.

Girls on Film

I think I'm making some headway in this dating game. I've realized that there are only two kinds of single men. The first would be young boys that are emotionally unattached and haven't had their hearts broken yet and the second would be dudes that are in their 30's and are still single because they are total nightmares and no one wants them. Let me take it from the top.

I go have a drink with party boy last week or so and we decide to meet at a bar close to my house. I like this bar because there are many exits which make for multiple getaway options. I decide I'm going to be "worldly" and walk to the bar which is about 5 blocks from my house. In normal society this isn't far at all, but I live in a city of fatties that drive everywhere, including myself. After about 20 minutes of walking, I finally arrive. I am sweating from walking and my bangs are stuck to my head. I walk in the bar and start scanning for dude. I don't really remember what he looks like so this is difficult. I thought for some reason that he may have a very large nose. I have no idea why I would come to this assumption, but alas he did not. I hear him scream my name and I roll over the booth. Dater mistake #1, I say "oh I'm going to grab a drink." He looks at me and smiles. No offer for booze. Big mistake. I sit back down at the table and start to shoot the shit. I ask him what he does, tattoo artist, I'm so impressed. Then he starts to tell me THE longest story about how he worked as a telemarketer prior and got into it with this woman on the phone and called her a cunt. Dater mistake #2, saying the word Cunt within 15 minutes of the date. He then started to list every job he has ever had including my personal favorite, shooting porn. REALLY!?!?! This is how it rolled down:

Date - So I used to work for Hustler.
Me - Really.
Date - Yeah, you know the porn place.

Me- Yeah I'm familiar..what did you do there?

Date - I filmed porn.

Me- Like with a camera or with your penis.

Date - No with a camera.

He then proceeded to tell me many a story of men "shooting up Viagra in their dicks so much that they couldn't cum." Is this really appropriate conversation for a first date/hangout. Dater mistake #3, talk of needles.

There was a moment where we connected over the hit tv series To Catch A Predator. We both agreed that we were surprised that some of our friends weren't on this show. He, of course, took it a step further by saying that his friends like to "fuck underage girls." Wowie wow wow. I gave the pity chuckle as I checked my watch. He started rambling on about how ridiculous it was that dudes wanted to bone underage chick and that when he was 16 he didn't know how to get with chicks. He then started dry humping and mimicking himself at age 16.

One can only take so much. The dated ended shortly thereafter by me. Wow would you look at the time!! It's late. I then gave the ass out hug so our bodies wouldn't have to touch and ran off down the street. Never meet someone at a party and decided to talk to them simply because they are wearing a Metallica t-shirt. Metal up your ass!

Dating 101 Rule #754

We live in a sick and twisted world. Let me take it from the top. So I've been hanging with this dude, let's call him Dogtown, for obvious reasons. Anywho, so I've been chillaxin with dude and am starting to have a small crush on him. Maybe it because he's brings over booze, I don't know, I'm not questioning it. So last Friday I get the MOST random text from this other dude I met at a party when I was newly single and extremely desperate, which I am SO not now. *cough. Ok so let's call party boy...hmm..party boy? Alright, so message received from Party Boy reads: Hey it's Party Boy, we met at the party 2 months ago. Anyway I just got my phone turned back on haha, let's get drinks soon." Your phone got shut off, that's the best you can come up with. Like how much is a cell phone bill $100 at the most. How are you going to take me out for drinks when you can't afford your bill. I have a $40 a night habit son... I digress. At first read I'm like there is no way I am responding. #1 I don't remember what this dude looks like, all I know is he was wearing a Metallica t-shirt (a tell as to the shut off phone perhaps) #2 It's been 2 months #3 He may or may not have stable income. #4 I kind of like Dogtown and there is really no need to spread myself thin...at this point. I throw the idea around and bounce it off a few friends who ALL agree that I should atleast get a drink with him. I say that I really don't want to go for reasons 1-4 stated above, yet the consensus is to go on the damn date. So I begrudgingly send a text "hey drinks sound good, let me know." So lame right. No response, no big deal. Then Saturday night rolls around and I get a call AND a text asking me to go out. Party Boy is persitant. Maybe his personality will make up for his lack of scratch. I finally send him a text at like midnight. "drinks next week, I'm out of town tonight." Response "Sounds good!" UGH. So the moral of the story is this; Rule #754 If you like a dude you're hangin with, you should definitley go out with another dude that may or may not have a job or steady income to see if you REALLY like who you already think you like.

Fucked I know. I don't make the rules I just inforce them.