We Got a Stage 5 Clinger!

I hate nothing more than needy ass bitches. And when I say bitches I mean men. Fucking fry guy. ugh. So Monday morning about 10:47 a.m. I'm minding my own business and I get a text. "U left your jacket." Fantastic. I reply "sweet I thought I lost it, I'll have to retrieve that from you." He then says "just let me know." Breezy text nothing further needs to be said. Fast forward to 5:00 p.m.

FG - What are you doing

Me - Working what are you doing?

FG - Drinking

(Really its 5 in the PM, I don't respond)(5 minutes later)

FG - Huh?

(Umm I didn't say anything)(I don't respond)(2 minutes later)

An actual phone call. I do NOT answer. What the fuck dude. Some of us big kids are still at work. Thirty minutes later ...

FG - You should come get your jacket.

(What the fuck dude, that's like 4 texts in 20 minutes AND a phone call)

Me - I can't tonight, but this week for sure.

FG - Ok

(Jesus Christ!) (Fast forward to 8pm)

FG - Can I come over?

(Ok we have a stage 5 clinger on our hands)

I totally freak out.

Me - I can not hang out tonight.

FG - Ok

(Five minutes later)

FG - K

(Thanks I got it!)

Needless to say the entire night I have visions of fry guy breaking in my apartment and stabbing my with a burger flipper. The next mornig he text me at 8:37 a.m.

FG - Sorry if I was being annoying last night, my roommate got me hammered."

Awwwww, I remember my first beer.

Girls on Film

I think I'm making some headway in this dating game. I've realized that there are only two kinds of single men. The first would be young boys that are emotionally unattached and haven't had their hearts broken yet and the second would be dudes that are in their 30's and are still single because they are total nightmares and no one wants them. Let me take it from the top.

I go have a drink with party boy last week or so and we decide to meet at a bar close to my house. I like this bar because there are many exits which make for multiple getaway options. I decide I'm going to be "worldly" and walk to the bar which is about 5 blocks from my house. In normal society this isn't far at all, but I live in a city of fatties that drive everywhere, including myself. After about 20 minutes of walking, I finally arrive. I am sweating from walking and my bangs are stuck to my head. I walk in the bar and start scanning for dude. I don't really remember what he looks like so this is difficult. I thought for some reason that he may have a very large nose. I have no idea why I would come to this assumption, but alas he did not. I hear him scream my name and I roll over the booth. Dater mistake #1, I say "oh I'm going to grab a drink." He looks at me and smiles. No offer for booze. Big mistake. I sit back down at the table and start to shoot the shit. I ask him what he does, tattoo artist, I'm so impressed. Then he starts to tell me THE longest story about how he worked as a telemarketer prior and got into it with this woman on the phone and called her a cunt. Dater mistake #2, saying the word Cunt within 15 minutes of the date. He then started to list every job he has ever had including my personal favorite, shooting porn. REALLY!?!?! This is how it rolled down:

Date - So I used to work for Hustler.
Me - Really.
Date - Yeah, you know the porn place.

Me- Yeah I'm familiar..what did you do there?

Date - I filmed porn.

Me- Like with a camera or with your penis.

Date - No with a camera.

He then proceeded to tell me many a story of men "shooting up Viagra in their dicks so much that they couldn't cum." Is this really appropriate conversation for a first date/hangout. Dater mistake #3, talk of needles.

There was a moment where we connected over the hit tv series To Catch A Predator. We both agreed that we were surprised that some of our friends weren't on this show. He, of course, took it a step further by saying that his friends like to "fuck underage girls." Wowie wow wow. I gave the pity chuckle as I checked my watch. He started rambling on about how ridiculous it was that dudes wanted to bone underage chick and that when he was 16 he didn't know how to get with chicks. He then started dry humping and mimicking himself at age 16.

One can only take so much. The dated ended shortly thereafter by me. Wow would you look at the time!! It's late. I then gave the ass out hug so our bodies wouldn't have to touch and ran off down the street. Never meet someone at a party and decided to talk to them simply because they are wearing a Metallica t-shirt. Metal up your ass!

Impeach My Bush

I should have really started this blog from the beginning, but had no idea what nonsense would ensue. About 2 weeks ago I met a boy, let's call him Republicrat. Reasons to follow. I met him at a show, we hit it off, he found me on myspace, we text a little and there we were on our way to our first date. First date rolls around, literally, he took me roller skating. Did I mention he's in AA. No big deal, except for the fact that I am what you would call oh I don't know, "border line alcoholic" a "hard drinker" if you will. I did not let this deter me. No not for a minute. We went on the skate date, it was nice. Kissed a little. Sort of weird, being sober and all. I know I need to hit a meeting. Anywho, we end up back at his house, not sure how this happened *cough. We make out, and he ASKS if he can take my shirt off. I'm like why are you asking, but now that you are, no I will not take my shirt off. I end up leaving that night with my dignity. This would be the last. He texts me when I get home, "your wonderful." Awesome.

Next hangout rolls around, actually we stayed stationary. He brings over a movie. Normally I would be about 2 tall cans deep at this point, you know to take the edge off, but am unsure what Republicrat will think. I decide to ride the sober train. He comes over, we have meaningless chatter then we get into the good stuff. Politics. He tells me that he isn't sure who he is going to vote for, and furthermore thinks everyone is going to vote for Obama cause it's the cool thing to do. WHAT. I should have ran for the hills then. Even if you are not a democrat, its almost election time, you should know who the fuck you are voting for right. I pushed the vomit out of my mouth and ended up spending the night with him. Awesome again. The sex was really good, but let's consider that I haven't been laid in over 3 months and the last time I don't really remember that well considering I was hammered and it was in the alley behind my ex-boyfriends barber shop. Send in the sober dude!

Fast forward to Sunday. We talk on the phone, and mind you I KNOW I absolutely do not like this guy, he bothers me, he may or may not be a Republican, he has a hairy back. Below the belt, below the belt. For some reason I still hang out with him, perhaps it's my total and absolute desperation. Even so, Sunday. We're on the phone and we start talking politics, always a breezy topic. Obama blah blah, whore face Palin blah blah..then death. He says he's voting for Mc Cain..are you kidding me. Then he goes on to say that George Bush isn't that bad of a president and he will probably be exonerated after he is out of office. WHAT, I shoot back that I think he will be brought up on criminal charges for genocide. Totally breezy of course. He goes on to say that if Prop H8te goes through, he could see, in the future, fathers wanting to marry their daughters. Beep Beep, pump your breaks and let me off this crazy train. I then pretended like I was choking and said I needed to get off the phone to dial 911. I have no doubt I will hang out with him again, even though he is Adolf Hitler and I am insanely lonely. Maybe I should just troll the mental hospitals for potential dates, at least with them I could get drunk and snag some of their meds.