Fag Hag

Don't get me wrong, I love a gay man. Probably too much. One of my very close gay friends told me that if I have more than three gay friends I am a fag hag. I'm tippin' the scales at about 6 solid gay males friends. Maybe need to reassess. But now is not the time. Enter the gay fireman.

I spot this strapping lad about a year ago when I was in the midst of getting sober as previously stated. Mind you, at this time I had gained some weight. Let's be real. I was fat and weird. It was a weird time. Think first day of 7th grade wearing hand me downs. Anyway, I spotted this man and thought he was hot and wanted to know more, therefore I added him on Facebook. How organic. He kindly accepted but no real contact. I'm confident it was due to the spare tire and floppy ass I had recently acquired. Fast forward to now. I have since shed these lb.'s and am looking better than ever. Eat your heart out. I'm saying this to who I don't know.

Anywho, dude hits me up on the FBeezy last week and asks me some lame question, like where I grocery shop. Uhh ok. I respond with some bullshit. I know this seems very boring almost suicide inspiring, but in comparison to my recent nights watching Lifetime movies with my cat, it's epic.

We converse randomly on FB, which leads to an exchange of phone numbers, followed by some light texting. Now I am a very impatient individual. And I feel that I have been out of the game for so long, I don't have the time nor the energy to think of funny things to say to get this guy's interest. I feel like I am at the point where I should just text nudes followed by "you interested or what?" So I break the text banter with, we should get coffee. It's 2011 for fucks sake. He of course responds within 2 minutes "yes for sure when are you free." Splendid. We make a tentative date for Sunday min afternoon. His words.

My fucking phone rings Sunday morning at 10:24 a.m. WOW. Are you kidding me? A first phone call before noon, on a Sunday nonetheless. Bold. I absolutely do not answer and call him back later. We decided to meet around 2pm. First date/hangouts really kill me. I always start screaming at myself on the drive and smoke like 213423452 cigarettes in a span of 3 minutes. The whole thing is so unnatural and awkward.

I walk into the coffee and shop and he has positioned himself on a velvet couch holding a newspaper in the most unnatural fashion. As if he was modeling for the latest Valtrex commercial. We get coffee, I shoot the shit with the pregnant barista and mention that I never want to have children. Diarrheal of the mouth. He looks horrified. Then then the real horror begins. The getting to know you phase, or as I like to call it, Sudden Death. What do you do for work, do you like it, what are you hobbies, how were your holidays, thoughts on politics, boxers or briefs, favorite color, any siblings, was your mother a drunk, are you a drunk, would you be supportive of me being a drunk, let'get down to brass tax, if you and I were married would you financially take care of me and let me bang the pool boy while I sipped xanax'coloadas in my pajamas?

During this questioning period he mentioned gay culture about 12 times. Oh and I forgot to mention this little tid bit. It may have been rumored that he likes to take it up the ass from men. Just a rumor I am apparently willing to overlook. I'm mentally over this date within 5 minutes but have to humor him so I hide my rude true self. He then mentions a gay bar in my neighborhood and gets really excited when I mention the drag queen fight I saw there the weekend prior. Ok, I've seen enough. Time for me to exit. I state "I'm cold..." cut off by "do you want to go for a walk?" Sure, why the fuck not.

As we walk in public down the street I pray to baby Jesus that no ones I know sees me. Although they would just think I was hanging with my best gal friend. He does have an interesting walk, a switch if you will.

We walk down to the beach, then he wants to walk along the beach, then he wants to walk down the pier where he banters me with talk about the firehouse and how it's like a frat house there. Right, I'm sure it's a dream come true for you. All men running around with their hoses in their hands.

I have had enough and I finally get him to walk back to dry land. Then the clincher.....as we were walking back to our cars he says these final words.

"I used to live down here when I was in the fire academy, you know what is a real ego boost, running around topless in the gay neighborhoods wearing my fire hat."

There is really nothing else to say.