Fag Hag

Don't get me wrong, I love a gay man. Probably too much. One of my very close gay friends told me that if I have more than three gay friends I am a fag hag. I'm tippin' the scales at about 6 solid gay males friends. Maybe need to reassess. But now is not the time. Enter the gay fireman.

I spot this strapping lad about a year ago when I was in the midst of getting sober as previously stated. Mind you, at this time I had gained some weight. Let's be real. I was fat and weird. It was a weird time. Think first day of 7th grade wearing hand me downs. Anyway, I spotted this man and thought he was hot and wanted to know more, therefore I added him on Facebook. How organic. He kindly accepted but no real contact. I'm confident it was due to the spare tire and floppy ass I had recently acquired. Fast forward to now. I have since shed these lb.'s and am looking better than ever. Eat your heart out. I'm saying this to who I don't know.

Anywho, dude hits me up on the FBeezy last week and asks me some lame question, like where I grocery shop. Uhh ok. I respond with some bullshit. I know this seems very boring almost suicide inspiring, but in comparison to my recent nights watching Lifetime movies with my cat, it's epic.

We converse randomly on FB, which leads to an exchange of phone numbers, followed by some light texting. Now I am a very impatient individual. And I feel that I have been out of the game for so long, I don't have the time nor the energy to think of funny things to say to get this guy's interest. I feel like I am at the point where I should just text nudes followed by "you interested or what?" So I break the text banter with, we should get coffee. It's 2011 for fucks sake. He of course responds within 2 minutes "yes for sure when are you free." Splendid. We make a tentative date for Sunday min afternoon. His words.

My fucking phone rings Sunday morning at 10:24 a.m. WOW. Are you kidding me? A first phone call before noon, on a Sunday nonetheless. Bold. I absolutely do not answer and call him back later. We decided to meet around 2pm. First date/hangouts really kill me. I always start screaming at myself on the drive and smoke like 213423452 cigarettes in a span of 3 minutes. The whole thing is so unnatural and awkward.

I walk into the coffee and shop and he has positioned himself on a velvet couch holding a newspaper in the most unnatural fashion. As if he was modeling for the latest Valtrex commercial. We get coffee, I shoot the shit with the pregnant barista and mention that I never want to have children. Diarrheal of the mouth. He looks horrified. Then then the real horror begins. The getting to know you phase, or as I like to call it, Sudden Death. What do you do for work, do you like it, what are you hobbies, how were your holidays, thoughts on politics, boxers or briefs, favorite color, any siblings, was your mother a drunk, are you a drunk, would you be supportive of me being a drunk, let'get down to brass tax, if you and I were married would you financially take care of me and let me bang the pool boy while I sipped xanax'coloadas in my pajamas?

During this questioning period he mentioned gay culture about 12 times. Oh and I forgot to mention this little tid bit. It may have been rumored that he likes to take it up the ass from men. Just a rumor I am apparently willing to overlook. I'm mentally over this date within 5 minutes but have to humor him so I hide my rude true self. He then mentions a gay bar in my neighborhood and gets really excited when I mention the drag queen fight I saw there the weekend prior. Ok, I've seen enough. Time for me to exit. I state "I'm cold..." cut off by "do you want to go for a walk?" Sure, why the fuck not.

As we walk in public down the street I pray to baby Jesus that no ones I know sees me. Although they would just think I was hanging with my best gal friend. He does have an interesting walk, a switch if you will.

We walk down to the beach, then he wants to walk along the beach, then he wants to walk down the pier where he banters me with talk about the firehouse and how it's like a frat house there. Right, I'm sure it's a dream come true for you. All men running around with their hoses in their hands.

I have had enough and I finally get him to walk back to dry land. Then the clincher.....as we were walking back to our cars he says these final words.

"I used to live down here when I was in the fire academy, you know what is a real ego boost, running around topless in the gay neighborhoods wearing my fire hat."

There is really nothing else to say.

Death by Starbucks

Coffee date #3. Skipped writing about #2..nothing of importance came from it. Last night I get a wild hair up my ass to meet up with Flame. I don't know why I always think this will be a good idea, and in theory would be. Meet up with an old love, shoot the shit, drink the coffee, get the shakes, go home. You would think, not in this case. In this particular case, we sit around and beat the conversation horse till it's black and blue. Plan is to meet up at 7:30. As i'm driving there i'm beating my steering wheel screaming "why am I doing this." I pull up and of course flame is already there. I roll in make a joke about being late, per usual. Mosey up to the barista order a coffee. Roll outside and start talking about nonsense. Like flame is really sweet and whatnot, but for fucks sake he tells a long story. I found myself watching the fat skateboarder across the street try to grind the bus bench hoping he would fall so I would have some excitement. After what seemed like 4 hours of conversation I hear a beep in my purse. I look at my phone and it's this kid that I hooked up with the other night. "hey what are you doing?", I look at flame who is going on and on about his cat and look back down at my phone, I respond with "nothing, how bout you?" I know I am Lucifer. So now flame and I are talking and I'm sitting thinking about this kid and wondering if I can manage to get out of coffee date and still be home in time to hang out. Another beep. Grab the phone, "well I got a 12 pack and these earrings I don't know what to do with." #1 thank god I left my earrings at his house, #2 12 pack = love. I realize it's only 9:15 and Flame and I are now talking about where we grocery shop at, I respond with "Ya! Come over." SENT. Shit now I only have about 15 minutes to get out of there. I start fidgeting around and say something about having to go grocery shopping on the way home. Flame seems startled but after 2 hours of conversation suicide, I could care less. We get up to leave, Flame walks me out to my car. I try to give a quick hug goodbye, but I can tell he's going in for the kill. I quickly turn my head and mumble something about hanging out next week. GOD. I'm in my car speeding home like a bat outta hell. Hottie hasn't text me back yet, so I'm thinking he went to bed or something. I roll around the corner and there he is sitting on the steps of my apt..booze in tow. Adorable.

Is just coffee...right?

I am extremely awkward. I create intense dramatic situations for myself without really thinking them through. Then when the created moment is approaching, I usually panic and want to escape. I opened a really large can of worms yesterday. I asked an old flame to coffee. AHHH!!! I mean it was totally breezy. I had to pick up a friend from the airport and thought it would be a great idea to have coffee with Flame. We haven't talked in over 2 years and things ended badly on my part, sounds like a great idea right.

The plan was to meet at 6:00 p.m. at the local Starbucks. I hoped I would get there first since I have issues with exiting my car. I didn't want to pull a Britt Britt and show the goods. I pull in and thank god he wasn't there. I go inside order my coffee and wait. I decide it should look like I'm doing something while I wait, something smart. I mosey over to the newspaper stand pick up a paper and make the interested face as I fake read. You know the one. I glanced up through the window and see him drive up. I look back down at the paper now giving the, this is VERY interesting fake face. My coffee is up, onto the creamer bar. I see him walking up and I look down and start stirring my coffee very vigorously. When am I supposed to make eye contact, I am giving this WAY too much thought. Flame rolls in wearing some cute duds and a flashes me his famous smile. We hugged and it was nice.

I had about two hours to kill. Flame and I chatted it up and there were only two awkward moments. Awkward #1 I say how airport friend is in love and meeting up with her "soul mate" while she is in town. Bad idea..Flame definitely thought I was his soul mate at one point in history and expressed this to me. Flame made some inappropriate joke and I rolled my eyes. Awkward #2 I decided to mention that airport friend didn't think it was a good idea that we were meeting up. Flame looked straight at me and agreed. OUCH.

Fast forward another uncomfortable 20 minutes and it was time for me to get out. He walked me to my car. Now here's where it gets interesting. Not sure what is really going on..not really sure what this whole coffee experience was about. We go in for the hug, my head turned to the left (totally normal), his head, straight on. Now I don't know if he was going in for the kill, but I got really nervous and just did the like friend back tap hug. He then scampered off to his truck.

Hmmmm.........what just happened.

Followed up the coffee "thing" the today with a lil' text, "Hi (smiley face) thanks for meeting me, it was really good to see you. Hope I wasn't too awkward (smiley face)."

For future reference one smiley face would have been sufficient. And why did I apologize for being awkward. Smooth.