Girls on Film

I think I'm making some headway in this dating game. I've realized that there are only two kinds of single men. The first would be young boys that are emotionally unattached and haven't had their hearts broken yet and the second would be dudes that are in their 30's and are still single because they are total nightmares and no one wants them. Let me take it from the top.

I go have a drink with party boy last week or so and we decide to meet at a bar close to my house. I like this bar because there are many exits which make for multiple getaway options. I decide I'm going to be "worldly" and walk to the bar which is about 5 blocks from my house. In normal society this isn't far at all, but I live in a city of fatties that drive everywhere, including myself. After about 20 minutes of walking, I finally arrive. I am sweating from walking and my bangs are stuck to my head. I walk in the bar and start scanning for dude. I don't really remember what he looks like so this is difficult. I thought for some reason that he may have a very large nose. I have no idea why I would come to this assumption, but alas he did not. I hear him scream my name and I roll over the booth. Dater mistake #1, I say "oh I'm going to grab a drink." He looks at me and smiles. No offer for booze. Big mistake. I sit back down at the table and start to shoot the shit. I ask him what he does, tattoo artist, I'm so impressed. Then he starts to tell me THE longest story about how he worked as a telemarketer prior and got into it with this woman on the phone and called her a cunt. Dater mistake #2, saying the word Cunt within 15 minutes of the date. He then started to list every job he has ever had including my personal favorite, shooting porn. REALLY!?!?! This is how it rolled down:

Date - So I used to work for Hustler.
Me - Really.
Date - Yeah, you know the porn place.

Me- Yeah I'm familiar..what did you do there?

Date - I filmed porn.

Me- Like with a camera or with your penis.

Date - No with a camera.

He then proceeded to tell me many a story of men "shooting up Viagra in their dicks so much that they couldn't cum." Is this really appropriate conversation for a first date/hangout. Dater mistake #3, talk of needles.

There was a moment where we connected over the hit tv series To Catch A Predator. We both agreed that we were surprised that some of our friends weren't on this show. He, of course, took it a step further by saying that his friends like to "fuck underage girls." Wowie wow wow. I gave the pity chuckle as I checked my watch. He started rambling on about how ridiculous it was that dudes wanted to bone underage chick and that when he was 16 he didn't know how to get with chicks. He then started dry humping and mimicking himself at age 16.

One can only take so much. The dated ended shortly thereafter by me. Wow would you look at the time!! It's late. I then gave the ass out hug so our bodies wouldn't have to touch and ran off down the street. Never meet someone at a party and decided to talk to them simply because they are wearing a Metallica t-shirt. Metal up your ass!

Dating 101 Rule #754

We live in a sick and twisted world. Let me take it from the top. So I've been hanging with this dude, let's call him Dogtown, for obvious reasons. Anywho, so I've been chillaxin with dude and am starting to have a small crush on him. Maybe it because he's brings over booze, I don't know, I'm not questioning it. So last Friday I get the MOST random text from this other dude I met at a party when I was newly single and extremely desperate, which I am SO not now. *cough. Ok so let's call party boy...hmm..party boy? Alright, so message received from Party Boy reads: Hey it's Party Boy, we met at the party 2 months ago. Anyway I just got my phone turned back on haha, let's get drinks soon." Your phone got shut off, that's the best you can come up with. Like how much is a cell phone bill $100 at the most. How are you going to take me out for drinks when you can't afford your bill. I have a $40 a night habit son... I digress. At first read I'm like there is no way I am responding. #1 I don't remember what this dude looks like, all I know is he was wearing a Metallica t-shirt (a tell as to the shut off phone perhaps) #2 It's been 2 months #3 He may or may not have stable income. #4 I kind of like Dogtown and there is really no need to spread myself thin...at this point. I throw the idea around and bounce it off a few friends who ALL agree that I should atleast get a drink with him. I say that I really don't want to go for reasons 1-4 stated above, yet the consensus is to go on the damn date. So I begrudgingly send a text "hey drinks sound good, let me know." So lame right. No response, no big deal. Then Saturday night rolls around and I get a call AND a text asking me to go out. Party Boy is persitant. Maybe his personality will make up for his lack of scratch. I finally send him a text at like midnight. "drinks next week, I'm out of town tonight." Response "Sounds good!" UGH. So the moral of the story is this; Rule #754 If you like a dude you're hangin with, you should definitley go out with another dude that may or may not have a job or steady income to see if you REALLY like who you already think you like.

Fucked I know. I don't make the rules I just inforce them.

Death by Starbucks

Coffee date #3. Skipped writing about #2..nothing of importance came from it. Last night I get a wild hair up my ass to meet up with Flame. I don't know why I always think this will be a good idea, and in theory would be. Meet up with an old love, shoot the shit, drink the coffee, get the shakes, go home. You would think, not in this case. In this particular case, we sit around and beat the conversation horse till it's black and blue. Plan is to meet up at 7:30. As i'm driving there i'm beating my steering wheel screaming "why am I doing this." I pull up and of course flame is already there. I roll in make a joke about being late, per usual. Mosey up to the barista order a coffee. Roll outside and start talking about nonsense. Like flame is really sweet and whatnot, but for fucks sake he tells a long story. I found myself watching the fat skateboarder across the street try to grind the bus bench hoping he would fall so I would have some excitement. After what seemed like 4 hours of conversation I hear a beep in my purse. I look at my phone and it's this kid that I hooked up with the other night. "hey what are you doing?", I look at flame who is going on and on about his cat and look back down at my phone, I respond with "nothing, how bout you?" I know I am Lucifer. So now flame and I are talking and I'm sitting thinking about this kid and wondering if I can manage to get out of coffee date and still be home in time to hang out. Another beep. Grab the phone, "well I got a 12 pack and these earrings I don't know what to do with." #1 thank god I left my earrings at his house, #2 12 pack = love. I realize it's only 9:15 and Flame and I are now talking about where we grocery shop at, I respond with "Ya! Come over." SENT. Shit now I only have about 15 minutes to get out of there. I start fidgeting around and say something about having to go grocery shopping on the way home. Flame seems startled but after 2 hours of conversation suicide, I could care less. We get up to leave, Flame walks me out to my car. I try to give a quick hug goodbye, but I can tell he's going in for the kill. I quickly turn my head and mumble something about hanging out next week. GOD. I'm in my car speeding home like a bat outta hell. Hottie hasn't text me back yet, so I'm thinking he went to bed or something. I roll around the corner and there he is sitting on the steps of my apt..booze in tow. Adorable.

Boozin' & Losin'

Dont you love living in a small communty. I know I do. Last Sunday night I meet up with a friend who was in town for her birthday. We had pretty much ruined the city by Sunday night and were finishing up drinks at a local bar. I like how I just tried to make that sound sophisticated. The reality was I had been barfing all day from drinking for 48 straight hours, my friend puked in the bathroom at the bar and was taking jager shots when I showed up. We then proceeded to get shit faced. Ok that sounds better. Anyway, so back to getting shitfaced. Her and I were enjoying a shot when this boy that I had hooked up with about 2 years ago showed up. Perfect timing right. So he shows up we start talking and one thing leads to another and he invites me to a "kickback", if you will, on a Sunday night. I have no idea who these people are or where we are going or who is driving, but fuck it. I've had 17 beers and 2 shots, let's do this! We pull up to the house and I'm trashed, he's trahsed, the people that drove us are trashed. We proceed to walk in. I'm carrying an 18 pack, one can already open in hand laughing really loud and acting all flirty with cute boy. Walk in the house..look over to the couch and who should be sitting there? Republicrat. AHHH. I smile and then bee line it for the kitchen. The thing is this. I could care less about this fucking guy. He is a complete and total tool. BUT I do think it is interesting that he never saw me drunk and then I run into him and he sees who I really am....wasted for about 3 days straight, barfed earlier in the day, flirting with some radom ass dude...on a Sunday. So cute boy and I go into the backyard, start like full on making out and Republicrat walks back there. I dont think we were actually kissing when he walked back, but the vibe was out. Republicrat is all "hey whats goin on!" in a totally sarcastic tone. I reply with nothing, then he says "how are things?"..I simply hold up my 18th Bud light of the day and say "things are great!" I dont think he found this amusing, but I sure as hell did. Sorry I can drink and have fun and you can't. You=Boring. The night ended with me and cute boy laying on the deck of some random peoples back yard making out. Classy Ass.

Impeach My Bush

I should have really started this blog from the beginning, but had no idea what nonsense would ensue. About 2 weeks ago I met a boy, let's call him Republicrat. Reasons to follow. I met him at a show, we hit it off, he found me on myspace, we text a little and there we were on our way to our first date. First date rolls around, literally, he took me roller skating. Did I mention he's in AA. No big deal, except for the fact that I am what you would call oh I don't know, "border line alcoholic" a "hard drinker" if you will. I did not let this deter me. No not for a minute. We went on the skate date, it was nice. Kissed a little. Sort of weird, being sober and all. I know I need to hit a meeting. Anywho, we end up back at his house, not sure how this happened *cough. We make out, and he ASKS if he can take my shirt off. I'm like why are you asking, but now that you are, no I will not take my shirt off. I end up leaving that night with my dignity. This would be the last. He texts me when I get home, "your wonderful." Awesome.

Next hangout rolls around, actually we stayed stationary. He brings over a movie. Normally I would be about 2 tall cans deep at this point, you know to take the edge off, but am unsure what Republicrat will think. I decide to ride the sober train. He comes over, we have meaningless chatter then we get into the good stuff. Politics. He tells me that he isn't sure who he is going to vote for, and furthermore thinks everyone is going to vote for Obama cause it's the cool thing to do. WHAT. I should have ran for the hills then. Even if you are not a democrat, its almost election time, you should know who the fuck you are voting for right. I pushed the vomit out of my mouth and ended up spending the night with him. Awesome again. The sex was really good, but let's consider that I haven't been laid in over 3 months and the last time I don't really remember that well considering I was hammered and it was in the alley behind my ex-boyfriends barber shop. Send in the sober dude!

Fast forward to Sunday. We talk on the phone, and mind you I KNOW I absolutely do not like this guy, he bothers me, he may or may not be a Republican, he has a hairy back. Below the belt, below the belt. For some reason I still hang out with him, perhaps it's my total and absolute desperation. Even so, Sunday. We're on the phone and we start talking politics, always a breezy topic. Obama blah blah, whore face Palin blah blah..then death. He says he's voting for Mc Cain..are you kidding me. Then he goes on to say that George Bush isn't that bad of a president and he will probably be exonerated after he is out of office. WHAT, I shoot back that I think he will be brought up on criminal charges for genocide. Totally breezy of course. He goes on to say that if Prop H8te goes through, he could see, in the future, fathers wanting to marry their daughters. Beep Beep, pump your breaks and let me off this crazy train. I then pretended like I was choking and said I needed to get off the phone to dial 911. I have no doubt I will hang out with him again, even though he is Adolf Hitler and I am insanely lonely. Maybe I should just troll the mental hospitals for potential dates, at least with them I could get drunk and snag some of their meds.

Burning Bridges

I need to contact a doctor to have my thumbs cut off. I really think it will be the only way to save face at all during a night of serious drinking. Friday night a few of my girlfriends and I decided we were going to go out and paint the town red. Great idea, so I thought. We started the evening with a few glasses of wine, which quickly became drinking straight out of the wine bottle. Classy I know. I then spilled red wine on my white shirt. I should have know then that the night was going to be horrific. After wine the Captain called and I answered. Had a shot of that. We then went to the first bar which consisted of a mix of frat and douche. To spice things up as if I wasn't already spiced, I had a shot of Patron. I fucking hate tequila so I have no idea where this urge came from. I'm blaming the captain. Stay at douch central for a few then went down to my local watering hole. Now mind you I was already fucked up at this point and should have went home and put myself to bed...but what fun would that be.
At the watering hole I drank 2 tall cans and had another shot of some fruity large thing. It was beat and I did not need it. What happened next happens to all us girls at one point or another while we are painting the town red. I sent the drunk text. No biggie except I sent it to Flame. UGH. As if I haven't fucked with his head enough right. The breezy text was sent at 1am. Wonder what I was thinking about. Without completely reliving the horror, I asked him to come hang out, he declined, I insisted, he declined, I then said "you know it will be a good time", no reponse, I then asked again, and he wrote "why?"
So embarassing I want to die. But of course, I need to make everything right and I sent him a text yesterday to which he did not respond. I feel really excellent about this. If it was anyone else, who cares. BUT I worked really hard to file this relationship of sorts under friendship and rebuild the bridge that I not only burned but blew up just to lose it all to a few shots and some tall cans. A small side note that need be noted, while leaving the bar I barfed in the cab on the way home. I am one classy bitch.

Is just coffee...right?

I am extremely awkward. I create intense dramatic situations for myself without really thinking them through. Then when the created moment is approaching, I usually panic and want to escape. I opened a really large can of worms yesterday. I asked an old flame to coffee. AHHH!!! I mean it was totally breezy. I had to pick up a friend from the airport and thought it would be a great idea to have coffee with Flame. We haven't talked in over 2 years and things ended badly on my part, sounds like a great idea right.

The plan was to meet at 6:00 p.m. at the local Starbucks. I hoped I would get there first since I have issues with exiting my car. I didn't want to pull a Britt Britt and show the goods. I pull in and thank god he wasn't there. I go inside order my coffee and wait. I decide it should look like I'm doing something while I wait, something smart. I mosey over to the newspaper stand pick up a paper and make the interested face as I fake read. You know the one. I glanced up through the window and see him drive up. I look back down at the paper now giving the, this is VERY interesting fake face. My coffee is up, onto the creamer bar. I see him walking up and I look down and start stirring my coffee very vigorously. When am I supposed to make eye contact, I am giving this WAY too much thought. Flame rolls in wearing some cute duds and a flashes me his famous smile. We hugged and it was nice.

I had about two hours to kill. Flame and I chatted it up and there were only two awkward moments. Awkward #1 I say how airport friend is in love and meeting up with her "soul mate" while she is in town. Bad idea..Flame definitely thought I was his soul mate at one point in history and expressed this to me. Flame made some inappropriate joke and I rolled my eyes. Awkward #2 I decided to mention that airport friend didn't think it was a good idea that we were meeting up. Flame looked straight at me and agreed. OUCH.

Fast forward another uncomfortable 20 minutes and it was time for me to get out. He walked me to my car. Now here's where it gets interesting. Not sure what is really going on..not really sure what this whole coffee experience was about. We go in for the hug, my head turned to the left (totally normal), his head, straight on. Now I don't know if he was going in for the kill, but I got really nervous and just did the like friend back tap hug. He then scampered off to his truck.

Hmmmm.........what just happened.

Followed up the coffee "thing" the today with a lil' text, "Hi (smiley face) thanks for meeting me, it was really good to see you. Hope I wasn't too awkward (smiley face)."

For future reference one smiley face would have been sufficient. And why did I apologize for being awkward. Smooth.

Time Line

Remember when you were 17 and you were a senior in high school and you were talking with all your senior girlfriends in the quad and you say the following statement, "I'm going to be married when I'm 25 and have my first baby at 27. I'll have a boy first so he can take of his little sister who I'll have when I'm 29. Aww!"

Fast forward 11 years. By the timeline I created for myself, Mr. Right should be at work, our "son" should be in preschool, and I should be thinking about getting knocked up again. The thought of this makes me want to vomit. Don't get me wrong marriage and a family is what most little girls dream of, but what do you do when this doesn't happen. Do you drive to the ol' golden gate and jump off, or do you make the best of it and keep the dream alive. As much as I would love to be the next star of The Bridge, I'll take the latter.

Some people are settling down, some people are settling, and some won't settle for anything less than perfect.