Go over to this dudes house that I was loosely dating. We are not loosely doing anything anymore, the only thing loose that is happening is the elastic band in his "sweat shorts." Gross. I'm getting ahead of myself. So we talk and he asks me over at about ohh, 9:30 p.m. I don't know how I have convinced myself that this is not, in some way, a form of a booty call. I'm sort of excited to go over, I haven't seen him in a minute. I'm getting ready and decide to go for the "I just wake up and look this," which takes me about 1.3 hours to perfect. You know the look, light makeup, summer dress, flip flops, tussled hair, sensible jewelry. Once the look has been perfected, I walk over to his house. Now, you would think that a gentleman trying to impress a lovely lady like myself would put a little effort into his look. Like 15 minutes perhaps. Negative. He opens the door looking a fright. Kramer hair, dingy white t-shirt and GRAY sweat shorts. And not even like basketball shorts, which are bad, but gray Walmart shorts that overweight men and women wear to the swap meet on Sundays. I'm surprised he wasn't wearing a fanny pack. I look past the atrocious steez and roll in. I am there about 10 minutes before he start raping my face with him mouth. I call it mouth rape because of the feeling that I got. Like hard kissing with a pointy tongue. In between the mouth rape, there was a lot of hard pressing of the hands on my face. Not to mention intermediate face licking. Now, this is NOT my first BBQ, but I haven't really experienced this sort of makeout. Like forceful tongue, lip scrapping situations. All bad. At this point he pulls me on top of him on the couch, so I am sitting on his lap but facing him. This is the first malfunction of the sweat shorts; I am wearing a sundress, please see the first portion of this entry, and he is wearing wal-shorts. Basically the only thing between my vagina and his penis are two pieces of fabric, my chones and his jersey wal-short material. So I'm on top and he's like grabbing my leg like trying to get me to grind him. Now, I'm sure my previous post will show that I am usually down for some of this action. For some reason I just couldn't go through with it. He proceeds to lure me to his bedroom and starts to untie my dress strap followed by "opps" and a smile. I am confident he learned this manuvuer on 90210, you know the episode where Luke is trying to bone Kelly. At this point I'm like super over this shit. I decided to make the executive decision and leave his love nest. I tell him that i'm not into it and I have to leave. I was feeling like I made a bad decision until he stood up to walk me to the door and I noticed it. A large wet spot on his high end gray sweat shorts. Apparently he didn't need me for anything. He already impregnanted his shorts.
July 15, 2009
Captain Boner
Go over to this dudes house that I was loosely dating. We are not loosely doing anything anymore, the only thing loose that is happening is the elastic band in his "sweat shorts." Gross. I'm getting ahead of myself. So we talk and he asks me over at about ohh, 9:30 p.m. I don't know how I have convinced myself that this is not, in some way, a form of a booty call. I'm sort of excited to go over, I haven't seen him in a minute. I'm getting ready and decide to go for the "I just wake up and look this," which takes me about 1.3 hours to perfect. You know the look, light makeup, summer dress, flip flops, tussled hair, sensible jewelry. Once the look has been perfected, I walk over to his house. Now, you would think that a gentleman trying to impress a lovely lady like myself would put a little effort into his look. Like 15 minutes perhaps. Negative. He opens the door looking a fright. Kramer hair, dingy white t-shirt and GRAY sweat shorts. And not even like basketball shorts, which are bad, but gray Walmart shorts that overweight men and women wear to the swap meet on Sundays. I'm surprised he wasn't wearing a fanny pack. I look past the atrocious steez and roll in. I am there about 10 minutes before he start raping my face with him mouth. I call it mouth rape because of the feeling that I got. Like hard kissing with a pointy tongue. In between the mouth rape, there was a lot of hard pressing of the hands on my face. Not to mention intermediate face licking. Now, this is NOT my first BBQ, but I haven't really experienced this sort of makeout. Like forceful tongue, lip scrapping situations. All bad. At this point he pulls me on top of him on the couch, so I am sitting on his lap but facing him. This is the first malfunction of the sweat shorts; I am wearing a sundress, please see the first portion of this entry, and he is wearing wal-shorts. Basically the only thing between my vagina and his penis are two pieces of fabric, my chones and his jersey wal-short material. So I'm on top and he's like grabbing my leg like trying to get me to grind him. Now, I'm sure my previous post will show that I am usually down for some of this action. For some reason I just couldn't go through with it. He proceeds to lure me to his bedroom and starts to untie my dress strap followed by "opps" and a smile. I am confident he learned this manuvuer on 90210, you know the episode where Luke is trying to bone Kelly. At this point I'm like super over this shit. I decided to make the executive decision and leave his love nest. I tell him that i'm not into it and I have to leave. I was feeling like I made a bad decision until he stood up to walk me to the door and I noticed it. A large wet spot on his high end gray sweat shorts. Apparently he didn't need me for anything. He already impregnanted his shorts.
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