Crazy Eyes

This shit is getting RIDIC. Quick update, the Jockey and I are no longer. I really don't want to get into it, but is has something to do with my almost near fatal experience with TSS. If you don't know what that means, google it. Furthermore, the last time I saw him we sat on his couch watching Family Guy while I got a contact high. Oh and I forgot to mention watching his puppy and kitty play fight. Totally awesome night!

Next order of business. Crazy eyes. Now I can neither confirm nor deny this nickname. It was given by a friend who says he may have a lazy eye. When I inquired as to how lazy this eye actually was on a scale of 1 to 10, she said, without any hesitation, a strong 7. Thats pretty lazy.

Back story. I've worked with this man (he's pushing 40) a few times now. He's a photographer, an artist, into some rad shit blah blah. Did some makeup for him a few weeks ago and it was great. I do not like to mix business with pleasure, actually I like to mix anything with pleasure, but in this case I don't want to ruin my working relationship with him so I'm ignoring the hardcore flirtation that has been going down between the two of us. Like sloppy cheek kisses hello, arm caressing, etc.

Fast forward to a few nights ago. Go to a bar to watch my friends band play. His band is playing as well. This would normally be an exciting to do, watching a guy thats I'm into play on stage. Total panty dropper. Umm perhaps not in this case. This man is in a spoof band of sorts. He and his band mates dress up in Reno 911 gear and sing covers as they hump the ground and dance around. Hilarious yes, sexy, not so much. Oh and their shorts are tighter than spandex on Precious so testicle visibility is HIGH. They play, I'm watching, it's funny. Toward the end of his set, he jumps off stage comes over and starts to serenade me to a Britney Spears song. How did he know I have a deep fascination with Britt Britt. Maybe the lack of eyesight gives him supernatural mind reading powers. Just a thought. He's singing to me very closely, so close in fact that I can feel his balls on my leg. There may have even have been some grinding going on. WHAT IS HAPPENING. I turn bright red and want to die. For some reason after this performance I am oddly attracted to him. Was is the short shorts? The epic Britney singing abilities, or the large bulge in his pants. I need more information. Further, I did not spot the wandering eye. Maybe he had a talk with it before hand and made it promise to behave itself.

Le Jockey

I had such high hopes. I meet this small man via my bestie. He automatically adds me on the FB and initiates some heavy contact. We start texting and I am going to be in his neighborhood the following day so we make plans to meet. So 2010. I arrive there and he walks out. A stout 5'3 tops. Umm ok, I'm trying not to be so shallow these days. I go inside to the frat house he lives in. He's 28 and I doubt anyone that has ever lived there when to college or even traffic school to be honest. He somehow lures me into his bedroom to watch Southpark. I fall for it, I know what I'm getting myself into but I play coy. We end of making out for like three hours and it's rad. We have insane chemistry and I'm stoked. I leave and end it for the day. The next few days we text and there are a lot of smiley faces and hearts and gay ass shit. I'm loving the attention. I did however forgot to mention a few details. He works at a medical marijuana dispensary and he has no car. Totally minor :\. Anyway fast forward a bit. He ends up coming over and it's a lot of the same. Making out blah blah. Then it starts getting all crucial i.e hot and heavy and I haven't had sex in about 10 months. No joke. So I'm like fuck yeah, let's do this. I like you, you like me. Let's make some bad decisions. It's on. We're about to get down and he stops and says, "I think we should wait." ARE YOU KIDDING ME. Dude this is not the time. I've waited long enough. I then find myself thinking how dudes think. Like this guy is a total tease, why did he even come over if he's not going to put out..blah blah. I finally break him and it's all good. Afterward he makes a joke "are we going steady now." Please stop sir before I kick you out of my house now.
So this was 4 nights ago. Contact since then, rad, texting talking, etc. Then there was tonight. Feeeeck. Ok so I call him and he's being all Debbie Downer status. So then he says to me "I'm just going to be honest with you..." Never a good sign. He proceeds to tell me how he found out that his ex-fiancé is boning his good friend and how he can't believe how people can be like that and that sex is evil and people who are married for like 60 years don't even have sex and in conclusion people just don't know how to keep it in their pants. I wish I could type the face I made when I heard this and even now. Ummm........................................ I can't. I then find myself talking him off the ledge and sharing past breakup experiences. Are we best friends? How did we get to this point. It's only been a fucking WEEK. Then he just abruptly ends the conversation with "I'm gonna take a Tylenol PM and pass out." Followed by a text 15 minutes later "thanks for being so rad!" I do not respond.
Thanks for being a fucking douchbag. Sorry dude I don't have time to be your emotional tampon. Please off yourself or call one of your homies to sort this shit out. Planed Parenthood is closed. She's probably fucking your friend because you are a garden gnome and you sell weed. Duh.

Scoobs

Please let me introduce you to Mr. Scoobs, Scoobs for short. I met this character at a certain 12 step program which I needed to check myself into. Please see prior posts for the reasoning behind this. Quickly, the "program" is about as exciting for my dating career as a yeast infection. All the dudes are maniacs, ugly, boring and I'm sure have at least two transmittable diseases. Continuing on. Met this fellow back in November. His first nickname was social suicide. You know, the sort of guy you show up with somewhere and immediately phones are out and mass texts are being sent. In spite of this we became friends. It's all platonic of course. We text racial jokes to each other and the such. The 2010 moves for people who are out of touch with their feelings. So months pass and it's nothing. Then one epic day I get a text and the words are mispelled and weird conversation is breaking down. Conclusion. He's off the wagon. Now this is of no consequence to me. If I am friends with someone then thats that. Regardless of their alcohol intake. Not so long ago, I would have been right there with 'em. So from this point further there are all these drunken hangouts. Not I. I am clutching the sober wagon ropes tightly in my white knuckled hands. To speed things up a bit, these hangouts have progressed from watching movies to me sleeping over, to now intense "cuddle" sessions. I have regressed to the 7th grade and its just PEACHY. We shall see where this rocky road takes me. I can't imagine anywhere good considering my keen judge of character.

Its Been Too Long

Almost one year has passed since I have last blogged. A lot has happened, but fingers have runneth dry. Time to take it up a notch and kick this bitch into high gear!