Girls on Film

I think I'm making some headway in this dating game. I've realized that there are only two kinds of single men. The first would be young boys that are emotionally unattached and haven't had their hearts broken yet and the second would be dudes that are in their 30's and are still single because they are total nightmares and no one wants them. Let me take it from the top.

I go have a drink with party boy last week or so and we decide to meet at a bar close to my house. I like this bar because there are many exits which make for multiple getaway options. I decide I'm going to be "worldly" and walk to the bar which is about 5 blocks from my house. In normal society this isn't far at all, but I live in a city of fatties that drive everywhere, including myself. After about 20 minutes of walking, I finally arrive. I am sweating from walking and my bangs are stuck to my head. I walk in the bar and start scanning for dude. I don't really remember what he looks like so this is difficult. I thought for some reason that he may have a very large nose. I have no idea why I would come to this assumption, but alas he did not. I hear him scream my name and I roll over the booth. Dater mistake #1, I say "oh I'm going to grab a drink." He looks at me and smiles. No offer for booze. Big mistake. I sit back down at the table and start to shoot the shit. I ask him what he does, tattoo artist, I'm so impressed. Then he starts to tell me THE longest story about how he worked as a telemarketer prior and got into it with this woman on the phone and called her a cunt. Dater mistake #2, saying the word Cunt within 15 minutes of the date. He then started to list every job he has ever had including my personal favorite, shooting porn. REALLY!?!?! This is how it rolled down:

Date - So I used to work for Hustler.
Me - Really.
Date - Yeah, you know the porn place.

Me- Yeah I'm familiar..what did you do there?

Date - I filmed porn.

Me- Like with a camera or with your penis.

Date - No with a camera.

He then proceeded to tell me many a story of men "shooting up Viagra in their dicks so much that they couldn't cum." Is this really appropriate conversation for a first date/hangout. Dater mistake #3, talk of needles.

There was a moment where we connected over the hit tv series To Catch A Predator. We both agreed that we were surprised that some of our friends weren't on this show. He, of course, took it a step further by saying that his friends like to "fuck underage girls." Wowie wow wow. I gave the pity chuckle as I checked my watch. He started rambling on about how ridiculous it was that dudes wanted to bone underage chick and that when he was 16 he didn't know how to get with chicks. He then started dry humping and mimicking himself at age 16.

One can only take so much. The dated ended shortly thereafter by me. Wow would you look at the time!! It's late. I then gave the ass out hug so our bodies wouldn't have to touch and ran off down the street. Never meet someone at a party and decided to talk to them simply because they are wearing a Metallica t-shirt. Metal up your ass!

Dating 101 Rule #754

We live in a sick and twisted world. Let me take it from the top. So I've been hanging with this dude, let's call him Dogtown, for obvious reasons. Anywho, so I've been chillaxin with dude and am starting to have a small crush on him. Maybe it because he's brings over booze, I don't know, I'm not questioning it. So last Friday I get the MOST random text from this other dude I met at a party when I was newly single and extremely desperate, which I am SO not now. *cough. Ok so let's call party boy...hmm..party boy? Alright, so message received from Party Boy reads: Hey it's Party Boy, we met at the party 2 months ago. Anyway I just got my phone turned back on haha, let's get drinks soon." Your phone got shut off, that's the best you can come up with. Like how much is a cell phone bill $100 at the most. How are you going to take me out for drinks when you can't afford your bill. I have a $40 a night habit son... I digress. At first read I'm like there is no way I am responding. #1 I don't remember what this dude looks like, all I know is he was wearing a Metallica t-shirt (a tell as to the shut off phone perhaps) #2 It's been 2 months #3 He may or may not have stable income. #4 I kind of like Dogtown and there is really no need to spread myself thin...at this point. I throw the idea around and bounce it off a few friends who ALL agree that I should atleast get a drink with him. I say that I really don't want to go for reasons 1-4 stated above, yet the consensus is to go on the damn date. So I begrudgingly send a text "hey drinks sound good, let me know." So lame right. No response, no big deal. Then Saturday night rolls around and I get a call AND a text asking me to go out. Party Boy is persitant. Maybe his personality will make up for his lack of scratch. I finally send him a text at like midnight. "drinks next week, I'm out of town tonight." Response "Sounds good!" UGH. So the moral of the story is this; Rule #754 If you like a dude you're hangin with, you should definitley go out with another dude that may or may not have a job or steady income to see if you REALLY like who you already think you like.

Fucked I know. I don't make the rules I just inforce them.